sigh

still no family, at least not my family, as another roommate moves on and i must face the fact that i was torn between calling to say hi and keep in touch and texting a good night and not intruding... i also must face the feeling of the empty space, no roommate, no puppy, no friend, and yet, their stuff is everywhere in the way on the couches, counters, floor, everywhere... i didn't feel like working on packing and figuring out where to put the stuff today mostly because i didn't want the selfish little poor-me kid inside to pout and be mad that i was left with all this work and all these reminders in an empty space... everybody's got somebody but me, wah wah, crap... so yeah, it would be great to be important enough, appreciated enough, close enough to continue to get texts often (it's a big change... my phone says we exchanged 1791 texts since i got the new phone)... i can't imagine she'd want to keep in touch that much now... how do you ask that without putting someone on the spot, aye?...

ah, the changes are challenging sometimes... i guess cleaning up the place will help, but time for that will keep me from returning to a social life... i am so disconnected from people and also from so many things i love to do... having a friend as a roommate makes it easy to get in a stay home habit... and now, so much stuff to clean up all by myself, a double lonely whammy...

still i feel good about helping a friend... i feel useful and worthwhile and that is the best solitary happiness i know...

what was this again?

when you get what you ask for, can the chicken or egg question be answered?... we finally lose what we think we wanted when we realize we we were afraid to hold on to it (until then, we think we still may have it)... the most bipolar word in the language may be nevermind... just because you don't see the connections, doesn't mean they are dis-connections... and if you want to understand anything, then you must remember this...

don't dis the connections, aye?

an irony of words

the irony this time that brings us to this place is how an open-book evolved... alas, more broken links in the garden of words online...

what it is

dis-connections, that is, this blog is where i shall be inspired to return to broken links and closed blogs and other deleted or dis-appeared online places that are linked throughout what is left of my online places if only to remind me or even memorialize the stimulus that first inspired me to include you or it in my entries... i may even reflect on an offline disappearance or disconnection now and then as well... if you are gone, you may find yourself here...

or something like that...