Sad Thing

The saddest thing may be, if there is such a thing, when someone is so afraid they can't make it without you that they abandon you just to prove they can when in reality, without fear, being with you is where they belong because it inspires them to do their best.

Insecurity may be the saddest thing.

Even From Here

That is, I have disconnected (until this moment) even from this blog and so many other blogs in the current written gardens (the disconnects are not always my choice as free servers come and go and sometimes, when they go, they take huge pieces of the gardens with them and, alas, not even the wayback machine can find them all), but the one that may have contributed to this latest avoidance (or forgetting or both) where I left off does pop up randomly and haphazardly and sometimes surprisingly scattered throughout other blogs in brief paragraphs of ponderings or sorrows and long moments of mourning and searching through all those links helped me stay disconnected even more. Maybe next time. Lol lam sigh. Narf :)

close disconnections

it is odd, sad, tough sometimes to lose touch with people who were part of life, close and intended to be permanent... it is even more challenging when those closest to you don't even notice what matters to you...

reminder for a friend who used to write

you've been gone from your writings for a long time... but that doesn't stop me from jumping up and down if only to make a big silly splash that hopefully says i still love you, caring is a verb, so here is a literary action to demonstrate that... i am concerned that you may sleep restlessly, which concerns me, which compels me not to wait forever to nudge you (or splash words in your face, so to speak), cuz you did write once and i believe you were not done... so i encourage continuing... and may considering why i am here be of value . . . the core of my consistency (and security and confidence and solidness and faith and honesty and whatever else we might call it), from my perspective, is an internal trust in my intentions... even more than trusting my instincts, i know and have always known that my intentions are pure, true, goodness, and in those three words - honesty without harm... my intention is to be true and harmless... not succeeding all the time, i could feel like a failure and berate myself and give up and lose faith and drift away from that bottom line and then, lose the sense of self "me"... i could accept the indecision and helplessness of being imperfect as a reason to stop caring and doubt my intentions (am i lying to myself when i tell myself i mean no harm?)... but i choose to empower hope and self-trust over fear and doubt... choosing to unconditionally trust my intention to be true and harmless is me... and so, i am here... sleep well and when you wake, i will be here - in these words even after the body is gone, and until the body is gone, more words will flow to prove i am here... and you are here too, as much as you will allow yourself to be...

all you have to do is choose to believe it :)

sigh

still no family, at least not my family, as another roommate moves on and i must face the fact that i was torn between calling to say hi and keep in touch and texting a good night and not intruding... i also must face the feeling of the empty space, no roommate, no puppy, no friend, and yet, their stuff is everywhere in the way on the couches, counters, floor, everywhere... i didn't feel like working on packing and figuring out where to put the stuff today mostly because i didn't want the selfish little poor-me kid inside to pout and be mad that i was left with all this work and all these reminders in an empty space... everybody's got somebody but me, wah wah, crap... so yeah, it would be great to be important enough, appreciated enough, close enough to continue to get texts often (it's a big change... my phone says we exchanged 1791 texts since i got the new phone)... i can't imagine she'd want to keep in touch that much now... how do you ask that without putting someone on the spot, aye?...

ah, the changes are challenging sometimes... i guess cleaning up the place will help, but time for that will keep me from returning to a social life... i am so disconnected from people and also from so many things i love to do... having a friend as a roommate makes it easy to get in a stay home habit... and now, so much stuff to clean up all by myself, a double lonely whammy...

still i feel good about helping a friend... i feel useful and worthwhile and that is the best solitary happiness i know...

what was this again?

when you get what you ask for, can the chicken or egg question be answered?... we finally lose what we think we wanted when we realize we we were afraid to hold on to it (until then, we think we still may have it)... the most bipolar word in the language may be nevermind... just because you don't see the connections, doesn't mean they are dis-connections... and if you want to understand anything, then you must remember this...

don't dis the connections, aye?

an irony of words

the irony this time that brings us to this place is how an open-book evolved... alas, more broken links in the garden of words online...